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The Best Jokes

No one believes seniors . . . everyone thinks they are senile.

An elderly couple was celebrating their sixtieth anniversary. The couple had married as childhood sweethearts and had moved back to their old neighborhood after they retired. Holding hands, they walked back to their old school. It was not locked, so they entered, and found the old desk they shared, where Andy had carved I love you, Sally.
On their way back home, a bag of money fell out of an armored car, practically landing at their feet. Sally quickly picked it up and, not sure what to do with it, they took it home. There, she counted the money – fifty thousand dollars!
Andy said, We’ve got to give it back.
Sally said, Finders keepers. She put the money back in the bag and hid it in their attic.
The next day, two police officers were canvassing the neighborhood looking for the money, and knocked on their door. Pardon me, did either of you find a bag that fell out of an armored car yesterday?

Sally said, No.
Andy said, She’s lying. She hid it up in the attic.
Sally said, Don’t believe him, he’s getting senile.
The agents turned to Andy and began to question him.
One said: Tell us the story from the beginning.
Andy said, Well, when Sally and I were walking home from school yesterday …..
The first police officer turned to his partner and said, We’re outta here!

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After getting all of Pope Benedict’s luggage loaded into the limo, (and he doesn’t travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.

‘Excuse me, Your Holiness,’ says the driver, ‘Would you please take your seat so we can leave?’

‘Well, to tell you the truth,’ says the Pope, ‘they never let me drive at the Vatican when I was a cardinal, and I’d really like to drive today.’

‘I’m sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I’d lose my job! What if something should happen’ protests the driver, wishing he’d never gone to work that morning.

‘Who’s going to tell’ says the Pope with a smile.

Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is German.)

‘Please slow down, Your Holiness’ pleads the worried driver, but the Pope keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.

‘Oh, dear God, I’m going to lose my license — and my job!’ moans the driver.

The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches, but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.

‘I need to talk to the Chief,’ he says to the dispatcher.

The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he’s stopped a limo going 205 kph.
‘So bust him,’ says the Chief.

‘I don’t think we want to do that, he’s really important,’ said the cop.

The Chief exclaimed, ‘All the more reason!’

‘No, I mean really important,’ said the cop with a bit of persistence.

The Chief then asked, ‘Who do you have there, the mayor?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘A senator?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

Chief: ‘The Prime Minister?’

Cop: ‘Bigger.’

‘Well,’ said the Chief, ‘who is it?’

Cop: ‘I think it’s God!’

The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, ‘What makes you think it’s God?’

Cop: ‘His chauffeur is the Pope!’

 

Bless You

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Thanks to Paula Dunlop for sharing this joke with us.

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband “ You can have your wife shipped home for $5000 or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150”. The man thought about it and told the undertaker that he would just have his wife shipped home. The undertaker asked “ Why would you spend $5000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?”
The man replied “ Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can’t take that chance….

 

Golf And Tiger Woods

On a golf tour in Ireland , Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes into a petrol station in a remote part of the countryside.

The pump attendant, who obviously knows nothing about golf, greets him in a typical Irish manner completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.

“Top of the mornin’ toyer, sir” says the attendant.

Tiger nods a quick “hello” and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out of his shirt pocket onto the ground.

“What are those?, asks the attendant.

“They’re called tees” replies Tiger.

“Well, what on the god’s earth are dey for?” inquires the Irishman.

“They’re for resting my balls on when I’m driving”, says Tiger.

“Be Jaysus”, says the Irishman,…. “Mercedes thinks of everytin!”.



Bottle Feeding: An opportunity for daddy to get up too

Defense: What you’d better have around de yard if you’re going to let the kids play outside

Drooling: How teething babies wash their chins

Dumbwaiter: One who asks if the kids would care to order dessert

Family Planning: The art of spacing your children the proper distance apart to keep you on the edge of financial disaster

Feedback: The inevitable result when the baby doesn’t appreciate the strained carrots

Full Name: What you call your child when you’re mad at him/her

Grandparents: The people who think your children are wonderful even though they’re sure you’re not raising them right

Hearsay: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word

Impregnable: A woman whose memory of labour is still vivid

Independent: How we want our children to be as long as they do everything we say

Look Out:  What it’s too late for your child to do by the time you scream it

Prenatal: When your life was still somewhat your own

Prepared childbirth: A contradiction in terms

Puddle: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it

Show Off:  A child who is more talented than yours

Sterilize: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it

Storeroom: The distance required between the supermarket aisles so that children in shopping carts can’t quite reach anything

Temper tantrums: What you should keep to a minimum so as to not upset the children

Top bunk: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman jammies

Two-minute warning: When the baby’s face turns red and he/she begins to make those familiar grunting noises

Verbal:  Able to whine in words

Whodunnit: None of the kids that live in your house

 Whoops: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a sponge!”

 

 

 

 

 

*God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael, the archangel,
found him, resting on the seventh day..

He inquired, “Where have you been?”

God smiled deeply and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds
“Look, Michael. Look what I’ve made.”

Archangel Michael looked puzzled, and said, “What is it?”

“It’s a planet,” replied God and I’ve put life on it, I’m
going to call it Earth and it’s going to be a place to test Balance.”

“Balance?” inquired Michael, “I’m still confused.”

God explained, pointing to different parts of Earth. “For example,
northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth,
while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over here I’ve placed
a continent of white people, and over there is a continent of black
people.. Balance in all things.

God continued pointing to different countries. “This one will be
extremely hot, while this one will be very cold and covered in ice.”

The Archangel , impressed by God’s work, then pointed to an island and
said, “What’s that one?”

“That’s New Zealand , the most glorious place on earth. There are
beautiful mountains, rivers and streams, lakes, forests, hills, and
plains. The people from New Zealand are going to be handsome, modest,
intelligent, and humorous, and they are going to travel the world. They
will be extremely sociable, hardworking, high achieving, carriers of
peace, and producers of good things”

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration, but then asked, “But what
about balance, God? You said there would be balance…”

God smiled, “Close to New Zealand is Australia. Wait till you
see the idiots I put there…”

This is the “Gospel Truth” ……

One dark night in the township of Whakatane (pronounced ‘f@ckataanie’), New Zealand, a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.

When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fireman in charge and said, “All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact.”

But the roaring flames held the fire-fighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the
firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire station who could bring out the company’s secret files.
But still the fire companies could not get through

From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Taneatua Maori rural township volunteer fire company, composed mainly of Maoris over the age of 65.

To everyone’s amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant. Without
even slowing down it drove straight into the middle of the inferno.
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Maori old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.

The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.

The local TV station caught the thank you on film and asked their chief, “What are you going to do with all that money?”

“Well,” said Hohepa, the 70-year-old fire chief, “The first thing we gonna do is fix the brakes on that f@cking fire truck

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